Elvis Has Left the Building
Sean was trying to get his guitar tuned, but was having some trouble. The noise was distracting, but his main problem was the Elvis impersonator that wouldn't leave.
The sequins on the "Fake Elvis'" suit were reflecting light from the fluorescents directly into Sean's eyes. It wasn't that he needed to watch as he tuned his guitar. Everything about this Elvis character was just getting on his damn nerves. And bad nerves were the last thing Sean wanted before he got on stage. How long did he have now, anyway? Ten, maybe fifteen minutes. Oh well. Ryan would come get him when it was time.
Sean respected Ryan. He just seemed to have his shit together. He never got uptight if they couldn't get a gig in town. He would just try the next town. And if necessary, the next town and so on and so on.
Sean had sat in on the last two "Nervous Purvis" shows. So, he hadn't really had a chance to get to know the band. Besides Ryan, There were two other guys (Sean didn't even remember their names) that played drums and bass. Ryan played rhythm and sang, while Sean did his best to fill in for the old lead guitarist, Willy. Everyone told Sean that Willy did a mean Joe Cocker impression, to which Sean promptly replied,"Well, I can do a Mean Joe Green impression." None of them followed sports besides Sean. Therefore, nobody laughed.
"Aaahhhuh! Thank ya. Thank ya very much," said fat Elvis. Sean sucked in a startled breath as fat Elvis began doing generic kung fu.
Sean stared, fascinated, as the fat man moved with the grace of a gymnast. The sequined polyester suit made wispy noises as "Fat E" swiveled his hips and juked 'n jived around the closed kitchen of "The Sky-Hi Bar and Grill."
At the very climax of Elvis' kitchen dance ensemble, a waitress walked through the kitchen and told Sean he had about five minutes 'til show time. Elvis kept right on dancing without so much as a look from the waitress as she went to the break-room to have a smoke.
Once the waitress was out of earshot, Elvis stopped dancing and really looked at Sean for the first time.
Fat Elvis said,"Yeah, old Janey..." He gestured toward the door the waitress just went through. "Me and her used to really cut a rug together. Quiet girl, but a real screamer in the sack. Know what I mean, don'tcha?" Elvis lifted his enormous sequined shades and winked one colorless eye at Sean. Sean felt a shudder go through his body and he nearly dropped his guitar as Ryan came in.
"What's your deal?" Ryan asked Sean.
Sean started to say,"That fat son of a whore over there's MY deal." Instead, he simply shook his head and said,"Let's rock 'n roll, baby."
He slung his guitar across his back and started to follow Ryan out to the stage when fat Elvis yelled after him,"Rock 'n roll is dead Sean, but long live The King!"
Inexplicably furious, Sean turned around and yelled,"Elvis sucks, ya fat piece of shit!"
Sean then went out on stage to perform what would be his farewell show.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ryan was arguing with the drummer, Steve, as soon as he was out on the stage. "I know what you're thinking, Steve. But it sounded damn good this afternoon. I think we could play it just fine."
Steve just shook his head and said,"Look man, it's not US I'm worried about. We've practiced that song for two weeks. Hell, we could pull off a country version of 'Whole Lotta Love' if you asked us. That's not the problem."
"Then what is?" Ryan was getting pissed.
Steve gave Ryan a bewildered look and said,"Do you actually have to ask?"
Now Ryan was all out pissed. He said,"Only a stupid bitch would answer a question with a question. That's just what stupid bitches do. Now, do you want to be known as a stupid bitch?"
In a small voice, Steve answered,"No."
Ryan calmed himself down a bit and asked again,"So what's the problem, Steve?"
Steve took a deep breath to clear his head. Just as he was about to answer the question, Sean did it for him from across the stage. He appeared to be pointing at the wall and yelling,"Would you please quit following me!? No, you're not! Get off the stage and leave me alone!" Then Sean looked like steam should've been coming out of his ears as he screamed,"If you touch her, I'll kill your ass on the spot! I don't care if you ARE The King!" Then he looked to snap out of whatever he was in and nodded at Ryan and Steve as if he was ready to rock.
Steve looked at Ryan and said in a shaky voice,"HE'S my problem, man. He was just yelling at the damn wall. I mean, that guy's nuttier than squirrel shit."
Ryan just smiled and said,"Yeah, I know. Couple more weeks 'til Willy's back, though." He nodded to all the band members, except for Steve, and said,"Let's get this shindig started. Whadya say?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, "Whole Lotta Love" went off without a hitch. Sean had that much going for him. He didn't even bother touching Jimmy Page's solo. Sean just did his own little thing he'd been working on for that part. The crowd seemed to dig it. Even Fat Elvis.
However, about halfway through their reggae version of "Under My Thumb" the tide began to turn for Sean. That's when Elvis began moving closer and closer to Sean's girlfriend standing in the crowd.
Since Sean hardly played a note in that particular song, nobody really noticed when he unplugged his Epiphone and carried it into the crowd.
As he got closer to his girlfriend, she looked at him with a troubled face and tried to smile at him. Sean didn't see the smile, though. All he saw was Fat Elvis dry-humping his girl from bihind. Sweat dripped from Elvis' sparkling sunglasses as Sean moved to within ten feet of them.
"THE CHANGE HAS COME..."
At eight feet, Sean saw red.
"SHE'S UNDER MY THUMB."
At four feet, Sean swung his guitar at Elvis' head.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
All feeling left Sean's body as he watched the guitar go completely through Elvis' head, and crush the back of his girlfriend's skull. She died screaming into her only true love's deaf ears.
Elvis turned and smiled at Sean with the whitest set of teeth he'd ever seen. Then, he simply vanished into thin air.
Sean turned white as a ghost and fell into a heap next to his bloody mess of a girlfriend. His muscles convulsed four or five times before he finally laid completely still. Blood dripped from his nose, ears, and the corners of his eyes.
Elvis had left the building and blown Sean's poor little mind. | 